I’ve been a bit quiet the last few weeks. Lots going on. We’re planning our annual MamaRun with TeamMama, which is always a great event, but lots to sort. Of course all the Christmas shenanigans. And I’ve had a tough few weeks as a mum.
Mattie has decided to go from a perfect sleeper (for a baby!); put him down awake and he put himself to sleep, wake 3 times in the night, same time pretty much each night for a feed, and straight back to sleep…all from week 3 of his life. But about 3 weeks ago it all went to pot. The infamous 4 month sleep regression started a month early and has hit me HARD! We had it with Lauren at about 5 months. She went from being a 12 hour sleeper, to waking in the night a few times, and being fed back to sleep. Manageable. With Mattie, he struggles to sleep more than 30-40 mins day and night, even when he needs it. We get through to about 1 or 2am most nights in his own cot after a number of wakenings…then he just won’t sleep anywhere but on me. So that’s where he stays the rest of the night. Consequentially, I get a very poor night’s sleep. I’ve been dealing with it OK…tired…but coping.
But today I’ve been struggling. Yesterday we went Christmas shopping…which was a disaster. Lauren played up big time. She was the worst behaved we’ve experienced with her. ALL day. We even had people commenting as they past us “oh my God” as they heard ear splitting screams emerge from her, and all the looks in shops as she kicked off. I don’t know what was up. But we should have aborted mission Christmas Shopping before leaving home, which is where it all started!
While we were out having breakfast, it hit home how I was feeling. Perfectly described by a member of a professional group I’m a member of: “Touched out”!
That’s exactly how I’ve started to feel. When I don’t have a baby attached to me, which is rare, I have a 4 year old climbing over me, hands in face. Often it’s the two of them together. Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of my kids in my arms. But it’s just got to me the intensity of it. I feel like that scene from Dirty Dancing when Johnny says to Baby:
Look, spaghetti arms. This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.
To add to this, our house looks like a car boot sale. We’ve a small house bursting at the seams. FULL of Lauren’s baby stuff we’re getting rid of, Mattie’s stuff he keeps outgrowing, toys and clothes for both kids. We don’t have space for all of our stuff, let alone the extras. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. And we’ve sensory overload with all the toys, xmas stuff, Mattie is teething and has not stopped making noises all day. Lauren is flipping between over excited and having a strop, Michael and myself reacting to her…
Today I’ve been struggling…and I couldn’t place my finger on it until just now. I need to get out.
I NEED TO GO FOR A RUN!
But of course I can’t. Not with my pelvic floor problems and diastasis. And while I may feel like I need it mentally today, tomorrow is a new day, and it's not worth, in my opinion, risking my recovery for a quick burst. And you know what…I feel a lot better for just realising that’s what I’m feeling. What I’m missing. Now I need to figure something I can do that won’t hinder my recovery that will give me that space and release one would usually get from going out for a run. For now it’s immersing myself in my blog…but I’m sure I can find something else that will serve a purpose. I’ll share when I do!